i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
