Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
