he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
