im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
