It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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