I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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