hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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