Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
