Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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