If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
