Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
