My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
