just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
