I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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