I am spending my child support on dildos
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
