I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
