you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
