my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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