He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
