No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
