On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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