put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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