k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
