im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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