Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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