I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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