i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
