I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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