My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
