When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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