we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
