I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
