The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
