She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
