The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
