Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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