he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
