Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
