I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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