Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
