At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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