The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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