i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
