Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
