i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
