Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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