I haven't been this sober since birth.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
