You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
