Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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