woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
