Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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