I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
