i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
