ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
